Marriage: Do you dialogue with your spouse regarding sex?


Genesis 2:24 (AMP) Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall become united and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

There is so much that can be said about the two becoming one flesh but today I want to share with you respectfully about marital sex. When God ordained for a husband and wife to become one flesh part of this union included the beautiful act of sexual intimacy.

The marital bed is a sacred place. It’s not just for sleeping, praying together, engaging in conversation, and reading and for some, watching television, but it’s also for the tenderness of physical intimacy between a husband and a wife, but at times the bedroom can become a place of distance and discomfort for couples. Men and women look at sexual intimacy differently and at times, although both love each other very much, one or both may not be fully satisfied in the physical intimacy of their marriage. This is often attributed to the lack of dialogue; in other words, open, loving and non-selfish communication between the husband and wife which, at times, is born out of not feeling comfortable in expressing oneself.

If the situation is not tended to, all too often we begin to see a breakdown in the marriage unit:

• Arguments about everything else rather than discussing the real concerns.

• Distance between the couple – watching television or sleeping in different rooms.

• Lack of conversation, laughter and closeness.

• Tension that creates snippy exchanges when speaking to each other.

• If there are children, they often can sense the tension and that can create insecurities for them because they may feel that whatever the problem is with Mom and Dad it must have something to do with “me.”

• At times a lack of loving, open, respectful dialogue in a marriage can lead to adultery, separation and divorce.

 Ephesians 4:27 (NIV) “…and do not give the devil a foothold.”

The Bible tells us not to give a foothold to the devil and we must be careful not to assume that he would not attempt to infiltrate our martial covenant. He wants to destroy the family unit. I have ministered to women and to couples who say, I (we) didn’t see it coming or I thought we were so happy and I didn’t know he/she felt that way.

1 Peter 5:8 (NIV) “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”

 The Bible tells us to be alert-prepared-and that includes the protection of our marriages.

 If you have difficulty dialoguing in your marriage especially regarding sex, here are a few guidelines to help:

1. Pray and ask God for the timing, words (healing) and heart (right attitude) to speak to your spouse. Pray for both of you to be open to hear each other’s thoughts, needs and concerns.

2. Don’t allow days, weeks, months or years to go by without addressing the concerns that you have. This will surely open the door to the enemy coming into your marriage through misunderstandings, miscommunication, selfishness, anxiety, frustration, unaddressed and unresolved anger, feeling lonely, unheard and more.

3. Cherish each other. Remember that your marital covenant is a bond between the two of you and the God-Head. I often tell people that it takes 5 Persons to make a marriage fruitful. The husband and wife and their connection with the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

4. Approach conversations with we and us not I and you. I and you always make the other person go on the defense. When you say, “Can we sit down and talk together about some of our concerns?” It’s less threatening then, “I need to talk to you or I think we need to talk.” Not only what you say to each other but the tone in which you say it is vital too.

5. Express your needs to each other in a loving, non-selfish way. Don’t be embarrassed to tell your spouse if you need more hugging, kissing etc. Be willing to give what you are also asking your spouse to give and be willing to hear some things that may be uncomfortable from your spouse without being offended.

6. Don’t assume your spouse should know what you need. A woman I was ministering to said, “He’s been married to me long enough. He ought to know what I need.” When I ministered to a couple, the husband turned to his wife and said, “Why should I have to tell you what I need from you. Don’t I show you?” Men and women are not mind-readers. Show and tell is important. Remember the game in school of “Show and Tell”. The same applies to marriage.

7. Minister to your Marriage. This is vital. If you minister to your marriage daily you will see more closeness between the two of you. You will feel safe in communicating your feelings and needs to each other and addressing any concerns. What do I mean by minister to your marriage? Pray together. Talk about God’s Word together. Laugh, love and talk together. Flirt with each other. Get to know what the other enjoys and engage it together. Hold each other—spend time being intimate outside of the bedroom so that when you are inside of the bedroom, physical intimacy will come naturally as another extension of the expression of your love for each other.

 There is so much more I could add, but I’ll close with this, leave the world out of the privacy and sacredness of your marital bed. Be respectful of the precious covenant you have entered into. Ask God to bless your marriage and to help you both to treat your marriage with the love and care it needs. Remember, there is no perfect person or perfect marriage only a perfect God and He desires for your marriage to be blessed.

Blessings and peace to you and your spouse!

Lisa Shaw

(originally posted by Lisa Shaw on the Internet Cafe July 2012)

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