Are you hiding the pain of not having a genuine girl-friendship on earth?

I just listened to a very quick podcast by Victoria Jenkins on A Woman Inspired.  The Title of it is “The Friday Five: Bread & Butter. It’s a little over 2 minutes and worth the listen.  They have it also posted in written format for those who prefer.  I was especially moved by the last two paragraphs of what Victoria wrote.  I’ll not copy and paste it but rather you can read the entire post HERE.

Hurt or Heal the BODYBut first, please read my transparent heart below:

There are certain topics that are not easy for everyone. For some when you say a message on obedience, forgiveness or gossip they run to the hills.  For others, like me, friendship is the topic that always makes me give a deep sigh. For years I thought something was wrong with me because I would always hear or read all these incredible stories of such loving friendships between women either one-on-one or group friendships.  I’d hear or read stories of long-lasting friendships: 5, 20 or 30 years and all the time they would meet for coffee, have long chats, do things together with their children, go on mini-trips together and so on, and I’d wonder why can’t I have at least ONE female relationship like that Lord?  No sisters growing up, a mother who didn’t want me and who faked it in front of the public until I was 43 years old when all communication ceased, while behind closed doors there was no relationship with her children from day one and then 5 very hurtful friendships and even recently 1 that has had to be redefined. And so I found myself asking what is wrong with me? 

I have spent the last few years really delving into this with God, how He called me to minister to women especially, and have been, by His grace doing that for almost 16 years successfully, and how He’s given me such a compassionate and loving heart for the needs, struggles and concerns of women of all ages, and just how many wonderful and fruitful connections I have in ministry with women YET, still not ONE fruitful friendship.  He’s answered me and given me great insight, revelation and wisdom and so I continue to pray and to wait for that one up-close fruitful friendship that will be grounded in Christ. Other than my Grandma whom I adored, and is with the Lord now, I’ve not had a healthy relationship with a female long term.  I throw my whole heart in and then betrayal, being used and dismissed has crept in. God had to show me that part of that was the types of friendships I chose and out of the pain and need, or guardedness that I had at the time of each friendship. I used to say, “I must not make a very good friend”. The end of 2010 God told me flat to stop saying that and beating myself up.

Another insight God has allowed me to see is that I’m actually NOT alone in this. I have had many women privately come to me for prayer from the serious hurts of friendships or the loneliness of not having a real girl-friendship.  There are many women of all ages (young ladies, mature aged women such as myself, and older), who experience the same thing and who have been terribly hurt by friendships and it can cause you to be so guarded. The problem is, as God showed me is that if we’re too guarded we can miss the person that He will send along.

If you struggle in the area of friendship and you are too embarrassed to say or you feel as if there is something wrong with you, don’t allow the enemy to feed you that nonsense.  Yes, go to God and ask questions so that you can discern what is going on but don’t just beat yourself up or think that there is a problem with you–that you’re the only woman who is experiencing this. Friendship is hard work and requires us to be very willing and vulnerable and that is not easy when you’ve been burned.

Here’s the response I left on Victoria’s post:

Victoria,

I enjoyed hearing your voice! Friendship is for some, a difficult topic and for others it’s like breathing air. I have not found it to be an easy area in my life. While I love on everyone and enjoy many fruitful connections with women, I have experienced great loss, betrayal and hurts in friendships (which I consider to be relationships that are up-close), in my almost 50 years on the planet. It has caused the guard dog to stand at the gate of my heart to protect YET, God’s presence and peace reminds me still that there is hope; that there is a relationship that will be grounded in Christ–where I can be fully vulnerable and so can she and I not have to worry that betrayal, being used or dismissed will be the ending factor but rather love and unity.

The last two paragraphs of what you shared I most especially enjoyed as it speaks what I believe as well about how God views friendship.

Love you girl! Keep living the faith! I don’t get to pop in often but glad I did today.

Do you need support in the hurts of friendship(s) or the loneliness of not having a girl-friendship? You’re not alone. Other women feel the same.  I have the Lord as the keeper of my heart and I also have a hubby who is my best friend on earth and I’m grateful, but there’s nothing like a girl-friendship when grounded in the Lord so I will pray and support you through your season. Reach out and know that God has a sweet friendship for you. Pray, trust and keep your heart pliable and open to who He sends.

women laugh

12 Responses to Are you hiding the pain of not having a genuine girl-friendship on earth?

  1. Lisa, you won’t believe how timely this was for me. I just poured out my heart, and cried many tears, last night about this very issue. I moved in the past year from where I had lived for almost 29 years. And though I didn’t have a *one best friend*, I had made several good, solid friendships. Or so I thought. It seems that once I was “out of sight” I became “out of mind.” It’s hurt a lot.

    Yes, I have met several wonderful women in my new town, and have so enjoyed their Christian fellowship. But, I’m still longing for that one *special* person to go out to lunch with, to go shopping, to just spend time together for no reason at all. I realized last night that I haven’t had that kind of friendship since college.

    I wonder sometimes – is it me?

    I hope that I find that one-girl friendship connection up here. But if I don’t, I know that I have the greatest Friend in the whole world – and HE is always available to me.

    GOD BLESS!

    • Sharon, I can feel every, single word you have poured out of your heart hear. I can relate in many ways. I dealt with something similar in that, when we relocated to Florida in 2006, all the relationships of women I poured into in VA, I kept reaching out to them but NO REPLY. I had to really give it to GOD. In time, a few reached out for their “needs” but it wasn’t the same but I had to pray and keep loving on them while casting the care of my hurt on the Lord.

      The five friendships that broke my heart were over a course of time: 1998 (1), 2002-2003 (2), 2010 (2) and the sixth is very different from how it began. It had to be redefined but even that can hurt and that’s been very recent. It took a LONG time in between for me to trust to open my heart again and each time….

      But I have to say that now I truly am prayerful and waiting on God and while I am I keep loving on people because that’s not just what I do, it’s who I am and I’m honored to do so. Friendship like any relationship,takes work and leaves us very vulnerable but the risk is worth the reward when in the end it is grounded in Christ. I wait and I pray. Will pray for you too!

      Thanks for sharing your heart so openly with me. I am a firm believer in transparency.

      Blessings to you!

      • Thank you, Lisa. I wish we lived closer to one another. I’d take you out to lunch!!

        Yes, continuing to be me – and learning to forgive and let go of the hurts of others.

        GOD BLESS!

  2. Dearest Lisa, I want to write so much but the pain and hurt over the last 60 years of this exact subject and how it has defined me in so many ways always brings a flood of tears. I think I’ve written this 4 times and erased it. I don’t like people knowing the real me. But you seem to bring that out of me. 😉

    Two I can tell you of are the same as with your mom. And look who her caregiver is!! Is God trying to heal our relationship? I think so but then so many times a day I want to scream because she still shows me her true colors in remarks and looks And the second is my sister. I always looked up to her because she was the one who brought me up. I loved her deeply, and then to find out how she would puts me down and speaks so negatively of me to her friends. She has no idea I know and so I carry on a very strange friendship with her. Because I am suppose to forgive and maybe my life will bring her to the Lord. I try so hard at friendships then I lose them because they say I am “suffocating”. But over this last year God knew me and brought me to a place where I have had to be in scripture even more and reading His word. AND reading blogs written by amazing ladies who love the Lord out loud like yourself. He has shown me that He is my best friend. And all of this brings me closer to Him.
    Thank you for your daily prayers and being there on my screen. You are an inspiration knowing you are just as real as me. Thank you for loving on people. You have truly helped me in your posts.
    I will keep you in my prayers too as we wait on the Lord to bring us a true Godly Girly Friendship. I promise I will not be “suffocating”.
    God Bless you
    Kris

    • Kris,

      My heart hurts for you and at the same time I pray God’s healing over your heart and the areas in which you’ve been hurt. I pray the Lord redeemed what the enemy tried to take from you in terms of healthy relationships. I pray that at this beautiful age of 60 you would be blessed with and enjoy the fruitfulness of peace in your family relationships and the joy and blessing of genuine friendship(s).

      I am so honored that you shared your heart with me and I am praying for you now. And by the way, you’re not suffocating me sis.

      Hugs and blessings!

  3. Lisa I too have had this same thing. This is right on time because I was writing on this to go soon and was talking to my husband about having feeling of rejection. Why I would pour out so much and end of being betrayed, back stabbed, and hurt. I know I have my own flaws but I told him I genuinely try and do people right. It never feels good. Your writing this confirms what I was writing on because I was a little hesitant to put it out. I hope this blesses many women as it has blessed me today. Thank You!

    • O do I understand that DeLonda…the “pour out so much and end of being betrayed, back stabbed and hurt”. I think if we’ve lived into even teen years (and we surely have exceeded that 🙂 ) then we know and understand that we’ll all experience that. So glad you shared your heart and keep writing and sharing! God is using you in incredible ways. Don’t quit. Hugs!

  4. How did I miss this? I, too, stand alone in the friendship aisle and experienced great betrayal this last summer by two “close” friend that involoved my husband. Its taken along time to get pass this mess but God is faithful. You are a sweet and wise woman, my friend and if we lived close by each other, I would be that ‘friend’.

    Love ya~Tammy

    • Aww, precious Tammy, my friend, if you lived closer we’d be very good friends. There have been times in my life where I’ve wondered why women, such as you, that God has allowed a deep connection to; to live so far from me? I don’t understand it because those women closer by may not love and appreciate me as I do them, but I will leave that with God as His plans are greater than my own. I love you and so sorry for the betrayal you experienced! I can’t imagine how painful it was/has been especially involving the betrayal of friends and your hubby. I know the pain the betrayals and the rejection (being dismissed/feeling used), have been from friends in my past and oh boy it’s taken a heart healing from God right on up to 2010. So I know that walk well, sadly. God has a plan!!! Trust Him. Love you!

Share your thoughts?

Copyright © 2015 Lisa Shaw Cares

Customly-Created-with-Care-by-Noelle-Mena