I invite you to read more of Tammy’s transparent and powerful personal story.
I can still remember the day I walked into the abortion facility, feeling this was my only choice. Every step I took down the hall toward the small room seemed heavy. As I walked through the door, the coldness pressed against my face. I knew it was the beginning of where one life would end and another would be changed forever. I lifted myself upon the steel table while looking around. I saw everything was in its place. The ‘machine’ was on my right and the nurse on my left, holding my hand as she softly spoke with a smile, “It won’t be long before you’ll be able to get on with your life.” Laying there, staring at the ceiling, I caught glimpse of the doctor as she positioned herself. I knew what she was about to do and that’s when I silently cried out, “God, please forgive me.”
No, I wasn’t a desperate teenager, college student, or a single mom. I wasn’t even a married woman who had an affair. This was my husband’s baby. However, to us the timing wasn’t right. Our marriage was rocky. And like most couples, this was a situation that needed to be dealt with. So we did.
Several hours had passed, when I found myself walking, as if in slow motion, down the same hall from the room where my ‘choice’ took place. As the door slammed behind me, I tried to focus on the new life ahead of me: a life promising hope, a career, and a future. Instead, I was about to face life filled with guilt, regret, anger, and shame.
The next 10 years were a blur. I was still married and 3 years after the abortion, we had a beautiful little girl. The day of her birth, I told myself… “I’m going to be the best mom in the world.” For a while I was. But something happened along the way. I became withdrawn. The voice in my head would take me back to that November day in 1989, as I’d gaze upon her existence. Words echoing in my head, “You took the life of your other child and then you went and had another one, you fool!” I didn’t know back then, but the enemy will do or say anything to make us feel ashamed and worthless. Feelings of anger swirled within. There was this battle deep in my soul that I couldn’t explain. It didn’t make sense. I was a Christian who was involved in the church, yet life kept getting darker and darker.
This darkness grew to be a thick wall between my Jesus and me. So, kneeling before the Cross, I cried out and with every tear started seeking the face of Jesus hoping to get some answers to my questions. “Why can’t I be like the other mothers?” “Why does she hate me?” “What am I doing wrong?” “Why can’t I get close to her?” My heart was breaking. All I wanted was to love her.
I prayed to the LORD, and he answered me.
He freed me from all my fears.
Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy;
no shadow of shame will darken their faces. (Psalm 34: 4-5 NLT)
Then in the quietness, I felt His Presence. The voice of Jesus whispered, “You can’t love your daughter until you learn to love your aborted child. Now, see him the way I see him. Hold him, the way I hold him. Love him, the way I love him.” For the first time my eyes were opened to the truth of where my heart needed to go, it was a place where most women, like me, avoid.
I needed to come to the end of myself, realizing our situation was a life. A life predestined to live out the plans of God. Yes, I had confessed my sin, but on this October morning, I finally traded my abortion for the reality of my child. This time, as the enemy shouted, “Hey, you forgot something!” I turned from the voice of the Accuser, laid out my filth rags at the Cross for the last time and embraced the Mercy of Christ for the first time.
You can’t whitewash your sins and get by with it;
you find mercy by admitting and leaving them. (Proverbs 28:13 MSG)
Is the Holy Spirit speaking to your heart? Is there something you’re avoiding? Not willing to see the truth? Have you laid out your shame, hurt or bitterness before Abba Father, but still doubt you are truly forgiven?
Jesus’ death on the Cross is enough. His Resurrection has become our victory. We must receive it. Believe it and live it.
If we [freely] admit that we have sinned and confess our sins, He is faithful and just (true to His own nature and promises) and will forgive our sins [dismiss our lawlessness] and [continuously] cleanse us from all unrighteousness [everything not in conformity to His will in purpose, thought, and action]. (1 John 1:9 AMP)
My friend, remember…when Satan speaks of your past, turn and run into the Presence of God.
Tammy Rude is a wife, mother, and women’s leader who is living a restored, Christ-centered life. Tammy speaks and writes with transparency using lessons learned through her struggles with marriage, motherhood, depression, and ultimately through her victory by God’s redeeming power. She enthusiastically presents practical Bible-centered solutions to the problems every woman and family face. Her tender yet firm style challenges listeners and readers to lay down excuses and confront personal obstacles in the power available to them through Jesus Christ. Connect with Tammy at her blog Not Mine but God’s Story or on facebook.com/tammyrude